After Thessia
by Ainyan
Summary: Shepard receives an unexpected letter; Kaidan realizes he might have been a bit dense.


The words on the terminal blurred, skewing unintelligibly no matter how hard she stared at it. Gritting her teeth, she mentally bore down on her overtaxed brain, demanding its obedience in deciphering the letters that, at that moment, were nothing more than a jumble of meaningless symbols in glowing white on Alliance blue. With an impatient flick of her finger, she scrolled to the next message, heart stuttering briefly over the mention of Thessia in the subject. She braced herself for the onslaught as she took in the sender – Asari Military Command – and prepared to face the brunt of their anger over her ineptitude.

… _So you survived our fight on Thessia. You're not as weak…_

_ What? _Not Asari Military Command. Her eyes jittered down the page, unable to make sense of the blocky words, barely able to decipher the sender's signature: _–KL._ With a sharp snarl, she thrust herself back from the console, nearly stumbling as the door at her back slid open to reveal her private bathroom. She raised shaking hands to her face, fingers curving into fists as she pressed them against dry, sandy eyes.

_The gunship slides into view as the assassin – Kai Leng – Thane's murderer – crouches in the middle of the temple walkway, his shield sending out a sickly blue light that drenches the room in shifting shadows. Her sniper rifle is in her hands, its useless weight hampering her movements as she dives to the side to avoid the rattling gunfire. "Take out the supports!" No – he couldn't mean to…_

Oh God, hadn't she suffered enough? Must she relive this?

_*CRACK* The explosion of missile on marble shatters the air, and she barely has time to roll out of the way as rock pelts outwards, sharp shards of deadly shrapnel slicing the air where she had stood so few seconds before. She scuttles helplessly against the slick tiles of the floor, unable to regain her footing as around her the temple quakes in the aftermath of the explosions. Kai Leng strides by and she can't gain a foothold…_

Shoving the heels of her hands into her eyes, she gritted her teeth, willing the relentless recollection away.

_Helpless as the floor crumbles beneath her; the sudden pull of gravity as a gap yawns beneath her prone body. Scrambling frantically; barely able to grab a hold of a dangling section of floor… Pulls herself up, muscles screaming, hands sliding over tile to find a grip – and there is the bastard, calmly taking the beacon – HER BEACON – everything for nothing. The tiles split; gloves scrabble uselessly at the smooth flooring. It can't end here!_

The rush of helplessness left her paralyzed where she stood, breath coming raggedly now.

_Pressure at her wrists – Liara's strained face above her. "I've got you!" Pulled upwards, away from death – saved again by the little asari – and there he goes. Grab the pistol, stagger to her feet; can't see straight, can't think straight. Shoot the air as Kai Leng – Thane's murderer – escapes again. This time, there is no redemption in salvation of another – only total loss. The beacon. The temple. The asari. Thessia. It crumbles about her as she watches, blank faced; the salvation of Earth flying away on gunmetal wings._

Memory assailed her mind, dragging from her throat a soft growl – negation, disgust. Driven to her knees by the strength of recollection, she didn't notice the soft hiss of her door opening, the soft click as it snicked shut once more. "Shepard?" His husky voice was soft, hesitant – and her undoing. With a strangled gasp, she staggered to her feet, and then half-turned, lurching forward to grab at the edge of the toilet, rejecting what little dinner she'd managed with a violent retch. Long after her stomach had emptied, it continued to rebel, heaving futilely. Cool dampness pressed at the nape of her neck, gentle hands supporting her head as she fought yet another losing battle – this time against the sickness of her overtaxed body.

As the shudders subsided, her thin – too thin! – frame relaxed, slumping towards the toilet. The hands on her head shifted from supporting to soothing, strong fingers sliding through the short, choppy strands of hair as he massaged at her temples, chasing away the headache that had beat a tempo in her head since that fateful day on Earth. Water splashed in the background, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw the glass hover into view, the faint blue gleam of biotics sparking rainbows in the water. Weakly, she reached out and took it, sipping cautiously. The first swallow swirled in her mouth, was spat into the toilet to cleanse the bitter taste of bile. The second streamed down her abused throat, soothing the raw patches left behind by her violent rejection.

"Feeling better?" The light inquiry did nothing to mask the faint thread of worry in his voice as his hands slipped down, caressing through the feathery cap of hair to her neck, pulling away the cloth and replacing it with a gentle, supportive touch. With a sigh, she let her head fall forward, resting it against the cool metal of the toilet's lip as he continued to trace circles over the nape of her neck. "Shepard." Just a single word as she felt him slide down behind her, shifting so that his body lightly cradled her own. His hands fell away, tracing along shoulders and ribs before coming to rest lightly on her thighs.

Even as the light contact soothed, anger sparked feebly in her mind as unwanted memory intruded:_ Hey, Engineer Adams and I were just talking about Liara. She's sure taking this hard. _Guilt followed on the heels, then fed back into her frustration. The vicious cycle played tug-of-war as she pressed her cheek into the chill steel, eyes closed. She struggled against the rising ire, trying to take comfort in the press of the hard, lean form at her back, the lips in her hair, the fingers gently rubbing her thighs. Her mind was a step behind her body, still scrambling to catch up even as she was shoving away from the embrace, twisting to plant one hand against his chest as she slid herself across the bathroom floor.

Before he could offer more than a confused "Hey," she shoved herself to her feet, stalking unsteadily out of the bathroom to the aquarium. Splaying her hands on the lip where the glass recessed into the wall, she stared at the various multicolored fish swimming about without a care to the turmoil outside the confines of their enclosure. Even as she heard his hesitant footsteps behind her, she closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to the cool glass, struggling to control her ragged breathing. "Shepard, what is it?"

"Why are you here, Kaidan?" The words sank into the air between them, chilling it. "You had more pressing concerns last time I saw you." Again, the memory flash was brief, but crystal clear, feeding her anger – her guilt – and starting the cycle anew. _Hey, Engineer Adams and I were just talking about Liara. She's sure taking this hard. _Nails scrabbled on metal as her fingers curled once more into fists, knuckles whitening as she trembled beneath the onslaught – anger, guilt, anger, the spiral continued. She didn't look up as the strike of boot heel on plating came closer, even as she felt the aura of his presence so close at her side.

"I'm sorry." A new emotion – confusion – interrupted the spiraling morass of her frustration, setting her off-balance enough for her to lift her head, turn it to stare into his brown eyes. She saw clearly the uncertainty in the strong lines of his face, the pinch of worry digging lines between his eyebrows, the concern deep in his gaze. "I didn't – I didn't realize how… how badly this was affecting you, as well. I didn't… I didn't see. I'm sorry," he repeated, raising one hand to touch her, and then drawing it back before the action could be completed.

_He's here._ The comment floated to the top of the muddled morass of thoughts choking her sleep-starved brain. _He could be anywhere else, but he's here. For you. _"Kaidan, I – " She cut off as her throat closed, strangling the words before they could be said. Coughing, she continued hoarsely, "I failed. I failed us all. I couldn't – I couldn't stop him. I couldn't get the VI in time, I couldn't keep him away. It's just like with Thane. There's nothing I could do against him. He – he beat me. Again. We lost because I wasn't strong enough, quick enough, _good_ enough to beat him." The words tumbled out, slurring together, running rampant no matter how she tried to hold them back. "Thessia – oh God, Thessia. It's burning, Kaidan. I couldn't save them, the Asari. They're dying because I couldn't save them. And Earth, it's going to burn too, because I wasn't good enough to stop him. It's my fault –" He cut her off there, taking the last step between them and jerking her into his arms, locking them solid when she struggled briefly against the embrace.

Warmth – love – dependability; they destroyed the last tatters of her carefully crafted shields, the armor she wore against the demands of the galaxy, of her crew, of herself. With a choked sob, Shepard threw her arms around Kaidan's neck, burying her face in his throat and letting the tears, so long held back, flow free. Whatever his soft voice was murmuring, she couldn't understand it beneath the weight of her guilt, the pressure of her anguish – but the words didn't matter. The tone, the absolute love, said more than any platitudes could. Even as she cried, he was gathering her up, taking her into his arms and moving towards the bed. She felt him sink into it a moment before she was laid upon the too-seldom visited mattress, still caught tight in his embrace. She wound her body against his, legs and arms tangled as she continued to sob into his throat.

Minutes, hours, days, weeks – Shepard had no idea how much time had been lost to the wellspring of her emotional upheaval, but she knew the moment that catharsis had been reached. Felt the iron bands held tight about her heart snap free; felt the weight of her terrible burden ease for the first time since the beacon on Eden Prime had touched her unprepared mind. As her tears ceased to flow, as her breathing steadied, she felt the tension in the lean body against hers relax, and as she pulled away to scrub at her cheeks, Kaidan's eyes met her own, limitless compassion offered in one silent look. With a watery laugh, she raised a hand to cup his cheek, murmuring his name. He gave a slight shake of his head and reached up, fluttering his fingers over her own cheek briefly before sliding them around to tease her eyelids closed. "Sleep," he murmured, and as she felt him shift, she tightened her own hold on him.

"Stay." The single word was phrased as neither command nor plea but rather something in between – a favor asked, a need expressed. His body settled once again against hers, and his hand pressed lightly into her hair, urging her to rest her head on his shoulder. "Thank you," she whispered, fighting against the onrush of oblivion until she felt his lips press to her forehead. With a sigh, the constant tension fled her body and she allowed slumber to swallow her up. And this night, while she was clasped close in lover's – beloved's – arms, she was not haunted by a young boy, nor was she stalked by the shades of slain friends. For once, her dreams were of light and love. And Kaidan. Always Kaidan.


End file.
